clement cell

Hey, it has been so long.  First of all, I want to apologise for abandoning you all. My laptop had stopped working, did not even turn on. I just got a new laptop TODAY and i could not wait to write again. So, a lot has happened in the past few weeks.  - history board exam - college admission - my birthday crashout - new laptop  - new place to live. Yes that is right. I moved out of home. i went to some other shitty city.  Whole of last month was characterised by me feeling like all my options are shitty. it is either this horrible city or some other horrible city. I felt like no matter what i want, i will have to wait years and till then just keep compromising on everything. I knew i was going to be unhappy, my family did not let me go far before they pulled me back to my reality.  I have a strong feeling i am going to resent them for not letting me go and it will happen slowly and eventually until the only thing i want is to escape them.  i was only there ...

11: 47 AM, Monday Good morning to you all. How are you? I wish i could have conversations with you all and know all about you. That would be lovely. But alas, no one reads my blogs lol. I wish no one i know personally reads it. It is not for them. It is for me and strangers.  I was supposed to go out today to get some form but i overslept. i have been wanting to go get it for about a week now, and i keep telling my mother to wake me up in case i sleep in too late and she says she will but she never does. Today was basically my last chance to get it in my desired circumstances and i could not. I also had a really shitty morning waking up so i was already over the edge. I took a shower and  went to greet her, and i said " it is late, we cannot get the form now. Why did you not wake me up?" and she said " hmm"  I just stayed silent. I asked if i could go out with my friend today and she said no. When i asked why, she said " just no". I just lost it. I called ...

5: 41, Wednesday My laptop did not work for two days and that was really odd. i did not like the feeling of not being able to write my blog. I really like writing on here. It feels nice to express myself without fear of having to go over it again and again. I have so much more to say on so many more things. I still have not told you all everything that is wrong with me. I could not sleep at all. that is why i am here so early. I spent all night reading this book, 'Ask Again, Yes' by Mary Beth Keane but could not even finish 100 pages. i might have gotten really slow with reading. But then again, the font was really small and i had to take my glasses off for fear of my mother walking in and catching me still awake. It is a decent book till now. i think that it is really dragged on but maybe that is important to the story line later? who knows, time will tell. In one of the chapters, there is moment where the protagonists kiss. sweet teenage romance. I thought that it was cute.  ...

5:13 PM, Sunday   Currently I am sitting outside in the balcony, right next to my bedroom door. The sky is all shades of gray and the cool wind is blowing in my face. The trees are dancing with the wind and i can hear distant sounds of traffic honking and kettles the kitchen. I am in no rush, it is very peaceful.  I am describing all of this so that you can envision it or so that i can replay it in the future. It is so overwhelming. do you ever see a view so beautiful you get overwhelmed? I do. I feel like i should look away and distract myself from this all otherwise it may bring up some feelings i fear. I was watching a show on my laptop when i suddenly looked up to see something so ethereal. all my senses jolted at seeing something so exhilarating right in front of me. It is so bright too. Today i applied to some university and now we wait i guess. I am worried about my future, very worried. I fear that i don't have any passion for careers that will make me money. I like th...

6:30 AM, Sunday It is so nice to be able to say whatever i want without fear of being confronted. this is a nice outlet. This post is rant. I have not had good sleep in a few days, in fact i did not sleep at all last night. so whatever im feeling is likely just a result of poor self maintenance.  I think we all have felt insecure in our lives, maybe before even the teen years. i think beginning to feel self conscious at a young age is one of the worst things that can happen to you. Don't get me wrong, insecurity at any age is bad but when you are so young, it seeps into your skin and constantly gnaws at you. it takes years and years to rid yourself of such firmly established beliefs, it is exhausting.  sometimes you think that maybe that horrible feeling has left you but it comes back when you least expect it and leaves a mark. It happened to me a few days ago, a very minor thing but destroyed the next few hours of my day. Being sensitive is difficult in this harsh world. I am...

I have a strong speculation that the blog is going to be very regular at the beginning and slowly i will not try as hard. i feel the need to put it out there as if to 'defend' myself or 'cover my tracks' as if someone will interrogate me. now coming to the topic at hand.  today i woke up feeling pleasant due to the lovely weather. i got up, passed by a mirror and was overcome by frustration. i have always been insecure. it runs deep within me, it is an integral part of my being.  But why? i understand that society is obsessed with beauty and aesthetics, most people are exhausted by it but still comply, just like me. I think it is a desperate attempt to look exactly the same. Cosmetic surgeries exist but to me, they are nothing but a hoax. You cannot convince me that women getting procedures under the guise of free will are not just simply adhering to heteronormative, patriarchal standards. but what use, men prefer natural. We push this narrative that certain attributes ...