Progris report 4 : Overwhelming Beauty, Future

5:13 PM, Sunday

 Currently I am sitting outside in the balcony, right next to my bedroom door. The sky is all shades of gray and the cool wind is blowing in my face. The trees are dancing with the wind and i can hear distant sounds of traffic honking and kettles the kitchen. I am in no rush, it is very peaceful. 

I am describing all of this so that you can envision it or so that i can replay it in the future. It is so overwhelming. do you ever see a view so beautiful you get overwhelmed? I do. I feel like i should look away and distract myself from this all otherwise it may bring up some feelings i fear. I was watching a show on my laptop when i suddenly looked up to see something so ethereal. all my senses jolted at seeing something so exhilarating right in front of me. It is so bright too.

Today i applied to some university and now we wait i guess. I am worried about my future, very worried. I fear that i don't have any passion for careers that will make me money. I like the humanities and literature. I was thinking of doing law, but i am not sure. I am not sure i like it. I have created this idea in my mind that law is a prestigious career because it is difficult, but psychology, social sciences are not.

However, the perceived inferiority of the humanities is a direct consequence of misogyny. At first, the arts were dominated by males but when females joined the field, it suddenly wasn't prestigious anymore. I hate misogyny. But anyway, I am not sure about my future.

I keep comparing myself to those i used to know and envy their intellect. I sometimes wish that i was as smart as them, then i could do what they do as well.

I convinced myself for years that i was not intelligent simply because i failed to do well in school. I was made to feel like an idiot and maybe i am because i believed it all. can not be like them because i am not them. And i am not stupid

But now i think that was all bogus. that would fix most of my issues. My confidence, future clarity, planning skills, creativity. I am trying many things to do so like learning ambidexterity, reading more, improving at chess, sudoku, less screen time, better sleep schedule. These goals also aim towards better self maintenance.

I am desperately trying to be smarter, I think that is why i relate to flowers for algernon so much. Hence, the titles. I know how it feels to be laughed at because you feel stupid. That is such i good novella. My teachers then should not have been allowed near children because wow lol. 

That is all i had to say, I don't think this fear will go away soon, or maybe ever. But it is okay, i will take things one step at a time. That will lessen the impact. I have been writing for half an hour now.

BYE !

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