Progris Report 6 : My Mother

11: 47 AM, Monday

Good morning to you all. How are you? I wish i could have conversations with you all and know all about you. That would be lovely. But alas, no one reads my blogs lol. I wish no one i know personally reads it. It is not for them. It is for me and strangers. 

I was supposed to go out today to get some form but i overslept. i have been wanting to go get it for about a week now, and i keep telling my mother to wake me up in case i sleep in too late and she says she will but she never does. Today was basically my last chance to get it in my desired circumstances and i could not. I also had a really shitty morning waking up so i was already over the edge. I took a shower and  went to greet her, and i said " it is late, we cannot get the form now. Why did you not wake me up?" and she said " hmm" 

I just stayed silent. I asked if i could go out with my friend today and she said no. When i asked why, she said " just no". I just lost it. I called her immature as a mother, and that she should be ashamed of herself and how she could be the way she is. I crossed the line and she told me to leave so i did.

If i am being honest, i think she does not like me anymore. I think there is a slight hate for me brewing in her. I cannot entirely blame her, I am a lot to handle. But, she is my mother. How can she dislike me? If she does, there is no hope for anyone to love me. 

I cannot tell amma any of this either for fear of how she will react. She will get angry at me. She will say how i could even think of this. But i am only recounting what I saw. I do not tell my mother a lot of things because she would not understand, and instead would have judged me. She cares more about what people will think of me rather than what i think.

Once she heard me venting to my friend about how I cannot tell my family something because they would not understand my opinion and how i have to hide things from them. She heard me so she confronted me. She asked and i said something i do not remember anymore. Then she proceeded to say, "we do all this for you and this is what we get in return" and left. Another time, I told her I felt like could not trust her and instead of understanding, she got angry with me and never brought it up again. How can she take it so personally as if it was an attack on her? it was so infuriating.

I am distancing myself from her too. I cannot even say with full confidence that she is a good mother. I hate this so much. She is my mom, how could this happen? I never thought in a million years that my mother and i would start to dislike each other. It is a horrible feeling. I do not know what to do. I wish i had the kind of family where i could talk to them about anything bothering me and they would console me rather than judge me. This is why i have to hide so much from them and avoid talking to them about anything they might dislike hearing. 

As time goes by, we have less and less things to talk about. I think time away from them would do me good. I have been looking forward to living in a different place for a while but I suppose I was looking forward to living without them too in a way.

I feel kind of guilty and immature writing this blog. It feels like I am airing out our dirty laundry and painting her as an evil mother especially with all those dialogues, that screams immaturity on my part. I just did not know how to get my point across any way else. I am extremely immature too, do not get me wrong. I have not told you half the things I have said to her over the years. Earlier it felt like harmless quarrel but I cannot ay the same anymore.

All I can say is I hope things do not take a turn for the worse with time. good bye.