Progris Report : more, just more than this

 HELLO ALL !

You already know about my life currently because i already spilled the beans in the last blog. I wrote about how i cried and hated this new life. But i think now i am settling into it, slowly but surely. 

However, these past few days i have been repressing and avoiding alot of emotions. And then, when they randomly pop into my mind, i feel something heavy in my chest and a wave of anxiety courses through my body. I did not expect this all to be easy but i am worried these few months will drain the life out of me.

I can  convince myself that bad things will happen and i will move on swiftly, but often reality does not play out like that. Traumatic experiences do leave a scar, they affect me deeply just like anyone else. I need to be more careful and stop recklessly putting myself in bad situations, underestimating their consequences on someone as sensitive as me. Because chances are, either i will actually forget the whole ordeal or it will haunt me till the end of my days. 

There is no in between because i am horrible at moving on from things that have hurt me. I just hate the fact that things affect me so deeply, it takes years before i can make any substantial change whatsoever. But anyway.

Honestly i cannot exactly pinpoint the exact reason why i do not like it here. Although i have a few guesses. It could be because :

- it was not my not my first choice. it feels like i am here because of an absence of other options, stuck is the word. While everyone is aiming for Europe or Australia, I am stuck here. I felt like even my dreams were small, i did not consider that being a possibility for me.

- It is so chaotic. I go outside and my ears hurt because of the blaring of the horns, the conjusted roads, the traffic and the yelling. I hate it all. 

- I am uncomfortable here. It has been 2-3 weeks and i still have not gotten into a flow. I need a schedule and a beneficial routine to follow.

All this just makes me feel a  little hopeless, I do not feel like i have a life that i will look back on fondly. I wanted so much more than this, i wanted substance but all i have around me is stuff i try to look away from. The life that i dream of and the life that i have are miles apart. What is worse is that the life i dream of is not success to most people.

Maybe the biggest problem is my mind set? If that changes, perhaps my perception of the world and my situation will change and improve drastically. But even therapy is years away. I wish i could talk to my family about this, but they are not exactly close to me and will not respond in an empathetic tone. I know they will just try to propose alternate solutions that won't do jack and will only make things worse. I feel so guilty speaking about them this way but is it really so bad to wish they were better and more understanding than they are now? 

there is definitely more to this but talking about it is difficult so i avoid it, not sure if that is a good decision tho. i think i will try to do more. i do not know to do to get more clarity on what i truly want and that is holding me back significantly. I do not know what i am working towards. When i achieve whatever it is that i want, will all the struggle finally be worth it, will i be glad that i went through all that because now i have this?

I will just go with the flow i suppose.









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