progris report 5 : Kissing/ Random

5: 41, Wednesday

My laptop did not work for two days and that was really odd. i did not like the feeling of not being able to write my blog. I really like writing on here. It feels nice to express myself without fear of having to go over it again and again. I have so much more to say on so many more things. I still have not told you all everything that is wrong with me.

I could not sleep at all. that is why i am here so early. I spent all night reading this book, 'Ask Again, Yes' by Mary Beth Keane but could not even finish 100 pages. i might have gotten really slow with reading. But then again, the font was really small and i had to take my glasses off for fear of my mother walking in and catching me still awake. It is a decent book till now. i think that it is really dragged on but maybe that is important to the story line later? who knows, time will tell.

In one of the chapters, there is moment where the protagonists kiss. sweet teenage romance. I thought that it was cute. I have never kissed someone and i think that when/ if  it happens, i will not like it or enjoy it. I do not want to kiss anyone and frankly the idea of physical touch repulses me to no end. i would avoid it at all costs if i ever get the chance. i think it is because i am uncomfortable with my body and i do not like it alot.

I think i have a weird body and other people will not like it if they see it just like i don't like it. I feel like an lean oval with sharp ends, vertically. I am trying to extricate patriarchal expectations from my mind ( small waist, big chest, long legs, straight hair etc.) because i do not look like that at all, i do not have any of those attributes. But it is more than that, it also about how you dress and how you carry  yourself. Clothes look weird on my body, they do not fall right over my frame, very frustrating. I am trying to change but i do look very anxious and awkward in public. 

i just feel like there is something wrong with me. In a group of people, it takes tremendous effort to fit in. And even then, in a way, it feels like an act. 
To be so ordinary and forgetful and still constantly think of yourself and how you are perceived is audacious. 

I have a feeling that there will never be anything special about my life. Even if i have an extraordinary youth, it will fade into mediocrity. with the way that i am, i will never be happy because i will ruin things for myself. no one to blame but me. 

I also hate this world. everyone is just so skewed, tainted and flawed. from kids,to eighth graders, to college graduates, to working people, to parents, to retired grandparents. we are so messed up. we do nothing but cause each other pain. this world is so complicated already, and it is not going to be easy with time. maybe like with everything else in life, in the moment we will cry but after a while, it never seems worth the tears. i hope i am happy and so are other people. i hope they fix whatever is wrong with them so that life is a bit easier for them and others. 

usually i write when sitting on my bed or on the balcony on a stool but today i am lying in my bed, on my stomach. it is a little uncomfortable. 
2022 June, i spent it in  my room sitting on a mattress on the floor. I remember watching banana fish and perfect blue. my sunset lamp was on in some corner of the room. despite the events of that year, it is a fond memory. i wanted to do that this june as well but honestly, perfect blue is the kind of movie you only watch once in life. i was so shocked after watching it back then, it affected me for days. And now june is almost over too. 

i have sat up now. i just saw an email an hour ago from a university. i got accepted. but i am not going to go because the fees is crazy and i am not even sure about my career yet. it is so frustrating, if only i could make a decision about this. even if i do not care about other people's opinions, what about me? What do i even want? is it even possible to not care what other people think? i hope i figure this out soon.

Also by the way, the "v" letter on my keyboard stopped working properly so i will just use b in place of it from now on, unless i get a new laptop, but i do not think that is going to happen for a while.

Bye for now !



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