Progris Report 7 : A new life

Hey, it has been so long. 

First of all, I want to apologise for abandoning you all. My laptop had stopped working, did not even turn on. I just got a new laptop TODAY and i could not wait to write again.

So, a lot has happened in the past few weeks. 

- history board exam

- college admission

- my birthday crashout

- new laptop 

- new place to live.

Yes that is right. I moved out of home. i went to some other shitty city. 

Whole of last month was characterised by me feeling like all my options are shitty. it is either this horrible city or some other horrible city. I felt like no matter what i want, i will have to wait years and till then just keep compromising on everything. I knew i was going to be unhappy, my family did not let me go far before they pulled me back to my reality. 

I have a strong feeling i am going to resent them for not letting me go and it will happen slowly and eventually until the only thing i want is to escape them. 

i was only there for about a week or two and I cried everyday. it felt like i was grieving something. All my life has happened in my bedroom and suddenly i am supposed to leave to go live in a place that will never feel like home? it is strange, for years i wanted nothing more than to leave. But suddenly when it was time, all i wanted was to stay. But i also knew that spending the next few years here would be the end of me.

I guess, i need to stop identifying with the person i was here all my life. Because, that was not a pleasant time, i felt alot of pain. Eventually you have to move forward. How long are you going to tie yourself to the same post because it is what you are familiar and comfortable with?

My parents constantly suggested that i stay here and go to some subpar college. They said it is a good option because i would be comfortable here, this place is what i am familiar with. Change is scary for us all I wish growth wasn't so terrifying but it is. I needed to move forward even if it was a small step.

I came back home today after being out for a few weeks. I was worried i would not want to leave again, because i do still feel most comfortable in my home. It is the only place i have ever called home. But, it is odd.

The cupboards had been shifted around, the ceilings had water damage, the old almirahs had termites, every surface had dust on it, everything was cluttered, the house smelled... damp. For a second it felt like the house was begging us to leave, to give up on it. It truly seemed like soon the place would be inhabitable. In a few months, this city will not be my home. I would not have a reason to ever come back. How long till i can start  to feel comfortable in a place, if i ever do?

What i wanted was to go wherever i want but still have my home to come back to. Home really is where my family is but this place will be forever gone? How can i handle that? Home will never be the place that i have to be so cautious of and always feel like an outsider.

I have been crashing out alot this month. Everyday, I have cried because i feel things are not going right but it is going to get even worse now, at least till the end of the year. Every time i see someone living in a house that looks comfortable, I cry. Every time I see someone travelling abroad to to a beach, i cry. i want all that too but unfortunately, i cannot have it. at least not another few years.

I think living in this place is going to drain the passion out of me. Well, any remaining passion i have left is going to leave too. I think it will cause me a lot of pain. I barely have any expectations at all. None academically, friendship wise, Fun- life wise, creativity wise. I just do not want to kill myself.

I guess i will have to wait a few more years and hope that time brings me clarity. I think that is all i will tell you. The other stuff i mentioned is just a little too much to talk about. I just have not been feeling good about life recently so maybe i will talk about it when things get a little easier. The only good thing that has happened in a while is that i got a new laptop so i can write my blog. I guess i will be depending on you a lot.

I hope my sadness will let me write better, at least something good shall come out of this right?

Bye for now !







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